“I was taught to strive not because there were any guarantees of success but because the act of striving is in itself the only way to keep faith with life.” Madam Secretary by Madeleine Albright, 2003.
I’ve always loved that quote, redolent as it is with a lack of ego, and a commitment to givng of one’s best. Perrhaps also because it reminds me of my mother’s catchphrase, “you’ve nothing to recommend you but your hard work”. And while I understand what she was getting at, I do wonder if she,, inadvertently, set me up for a life of burnout…
As I take time out at the moment to think about what the next twenty years (!) holds for me, I’ve come to appreciate that, while I find satisfaction in working, it can’t be the only thing that matters in life. Up to now, I’ve had a reasonably conventional career path: started as a graduate trainee, progressed into ever more senior management and leadership roles, hopped sectors pretty successfully, and always felt like I had more to offer. I took on additional projects and responsibilities, tried to think about impact beyond my own direct work, and acted as a mentor for emerging leaders. Whatever the job role, I tried my best, worked my hardest, and always, always gave credit to the people who deserved it.
And I was knackered.
I didn’t realise exactly how knackered until the opportunity to take a break without worrying about money presented itself at the end of 2024, rapidly followed by the sudden death of my brother, Alan. Processing that grief, and trying to support my elderly mother through January as we waited for post mortem results and funeral allowed me to pause the thinking about what came next, until I felt ready for it. While waiting for that moment, the exhaustion crept in. Not just the usual tiredness of a middle-aged woman, but emotional, bone-deep, exhaustion. The exhaustion of having worked, and worked, and worked, and worked since I was 16, always looking upwards, always trying to prove myself (probably to my mother, although that’s a question for my therapist I’d suggest). And after a month or so of trying ignore it, to strive past it if you will, I surrendered to it.
But this surrender isn’t a meek, passive, giving up of something. It’s an acknowledgement that my body and mind are telling me that I can’t go back to that way of being. That striving, striving, striving, putting every spare ounce of my mental and emotional energy into a job isn’t what I want for the rest of my life. The constant climbing, accepting of extra work, being relied upon (taken for granted – maybe?) hasn’t wrought the happiness and fulfillment that I thought it had. So, from now on, it will be about balance.
I’m sure I’ll always be a hard worker – I had the tidiest yoghurt fridge in the Co-op when I was a student – and every time I take something on, I will give it the absolute best I have. But I’m going to be a lot more picky about what I take on, and how I balance that against all the other important things in my life. A lovely ex-colleague gave me the great advice not to measure my worth by the amount of stress I was carrying, and I intend on living that every day from now on. Not that I won’t take on challenging work which involves difficult conversations and tricky situations, but it will always be in pursuit of things that matter.
Still striving, then, and still keeping faith with life, but in a new way.
If you want to talk through how you can find less stress and more balance, please contact me for coaching and mentoring. I work with emerging and established leaders to help them lead authentically in line with their values and ethics. Email enquiries@kirstypalmer.co.uk
Kirsty Palmer Consulting 